The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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