My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
