im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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