remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
