Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
