it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
