Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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