he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize