She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
