I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
