Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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