just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize