using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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