My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I cannot find my penis.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
