the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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