Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
My dick has a subreddit
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize