If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
