I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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