Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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