Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I just pynch a tree in the face
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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