I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I want her autograph on my taint
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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