The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
