In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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