there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
