they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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