You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
