I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
don't judge my taste in strippers
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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