Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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