I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
The best revenge is premature balding
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
