I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
