Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
