im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
