if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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