and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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