Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
