I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
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