I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize