I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
