i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
