Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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