It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
