I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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