My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
