You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize