I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
