The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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