it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
