I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize