I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
