in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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