you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Still dying that you shit outside
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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