So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
