Pants 0. Shit 1.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
