If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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