I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Everything about him screamed your future.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
