Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
